Three negatives of uber positivity

There are a lot of folks out there encouraging us all to hop on the positivity parade these days. Do a quick Google search and you’ll find hundreds of articles and videos with titles such as “3 steps to a positive mindset,” “How to reprogram your brain for a positive thinking,” “The power of positivity!” 

On the surface this may seem like great advice. Especially if you’re one of the many, many people who feel like (or have been told by others) you worry and focus on the negative too much. It’s tempting to buy into this concept of positivity as it seems so simple - stop focusing on the negative, focus on something positive and voila, your life will be filled with abundant happiness.  

Unfortunately, it turns out this concept is not as simple as it may first appear, and it also can be very detrimental to your overall mental health and satisfaction.

Let me explain…

To be clear, I’m not trying to squash the idea of positivity all together. Having a positive mindset is a key piece in cultivating a productive, fulfilling life. But there are a few issues that arise when we try to just wholly, “focus on the positive.”

• Sometimes we’re grumpy (at least I am) and that’s ok.
  There are times when it is completely appropriate not to be happy about a situation. When you find that someone broke into your car, for instance, or your basement is flooded from a backed up septic system.
  
  During moments like this it is normal and essential to experience negative emotions. The key is to allow time and space to process these emotions so that they don’t fester or build into something unmanageable.
  
  When we try to force ourselves to “see the positive in every situation” without first acknowledging the fact that something shitty (pun intended) happened and we don’t feel great about it, it can lead to undue frustration at a minimum and deep feelings of inadequacy at a maximum when we aren’t able to live up to unrealistic expectations.
  
  

We can always find something to be grateful for, in even the worst situations. But we often need to wallow in the muck for a while before we’re able to see what it is really important to us and what we are truly grateful for.

• Being super duper positive all the time is dangerous and annoying.
  The term “Toxic Positivity” gets thrown around a lot but it is a real problem. The biggest issue I see with people who are always bubbling over with endless cheer and positivity is that they can be insensitive to others around them who may be suffering and need support.
  
  When we are preoccupied with maintaining a rigid focus on staying positive we are not as present or open to the subtleties of the human experience. This can lead to others around us feeling inadequate and unwelcome if they are not on the same wavelength.
  
  I remember a time in my life where I was with a group of friends who were high energy, feeling good and riding the wave of each other's stoke. I was going through a tough time and not feeling as psyched as them. I felt like I should remove myself from the situation because I didn’t want to be a downer. It took the watchful eye and keen intuition of a friend to see that I wasn’t in the same headspace and ask how I was doing. I was able to share my struggles and clear the air. This wouldn’t have occurred if my friend wasn’t willing to step out of the positivity party and be present to what I was experiencing.
  
  

• Pure positivity is not practical or sustainable.

Pain, discomfort, sadness, frustration, etc. are all part of life. And, in fact, we need to experience these “negative” feelings to truly appreciate and be grateful for the good things in our lives.

A wise person once said, “Every time you tell a little lie you add a little confusion to the world.” If we attempt to only focus on the positive and convince ourselves that “Everything is fine” we will slowly lose touch with reality until we can no longer decipher the truth from the
story we’re telling ourselves. 

I once knew a couple who seemingly were living the dream life with great careers, beautiful children and a calendar booked with fun and interesting adventures. Whenever I asked how they were they always had the same response, “Everything is great, we’re doing so good!”

Then came the shocking news that they were splitting. As it turns out they had become distant and unsatisfied in their relationship but felt intense pressure to “keep it together.” I thought back to all the conversations where they had held the image of positive perfection and I wondered at the immense amount of energy it must have taken to keep the story a float.

Of course we don’t want to dwell in negative thoughts but simply give them attention when they arise so that we can use them to avoid trouble and better our lives. Think of negative thoughts and feelings as a red flag beckoning you to expand your attention to see what is or isn’t working in a particular situation in your life. Once you have given it a look you can contract your attention and focus on what you would love to do next to take action and move forward on what’s important to you. Rather than blindly following the positivity parade right off a cliff. :)