I muscled up the courage and peered in…
I imagine it’s true for most of us. In our moments of doubt and uncertainty.
Thoughts creep in such as, “Is what I’m doing even have value? Does it matter?” I’ve heard some of the most inspiring people in my life utter similar sentiments. I know I have asked those questions my self, and, I hope I continue to.
Let me be clear. I don’t want to wallow in that space. Dwelling there for too long is a sure path to suffering. But, it’s important to check in once in a while. Not to analyze, just to observe.
Recently I heard a question bubbling up from the murky depths of my self-consciousness. “Does my coaching add value to the world?” My first reaction was to deflect, to avoid, to detach. I assumed the answer rattling around in my worried brain surely was a resounding NO! But then a much softer, welcoming voice simply asked, “Well does it? Look.”
I muscled up the courage and peered in.
What emerged was the recollection of a memory from one my first experiences being coached. I had hired Remy because I felt “stuck.” Frustrated with an imbalance in work, life and passions.
One of the main problems, as I perceived it, was my boss was a selfish jerk who didn’t care about me or anyone else. He was inflexible, short tempered and insensitive. He was out of touch. He just didn’t get it, didn’t get me.
I had all sorts of evidence to prove my point. Like the borderline sexist comment he made to the young seasonal worker. Or the time he slammed the door; hard, after he barked orders at me. How he let out a deep, disappointed sigh every time I requested time off to do something important to me. The list went on and on.
As I continued to cough up the hairballs consisting of my proof and opinion, something peculiar began to happen. I started to relax. I felt the white-hot tension that had built to a fury begin to ebb and drift away. It was as if there was simply no more fuel for the fire.
Sensing the ease in tension and the available space that had opened up, Remy skillfully coached me to look at the truth of the matter at hand. A question arose, “What was more important to me? To be right about my boss being a jerk, or, to create a life that included a job that was satisfying, fulfilling and a joy to be at?”
Well, as much as I LOVE being right, I couldn’t argue that the latter option was truthfully more appealing.
So with this shift in focus I started to implement a coaching tool while at work. I’ll spare you all the details for the sake of length but I started by taking ownership for my part in the relationship with my boss. I looked at how I was showing up to work day in and day out. How I was viewing my boss and how that was affecting him. The truth was, I was walking in most days ready for a fight. Thoughts like, “He’s an asshole and I’m not going to let him push me around,” were the red cape drawing me to the matador.
I decided on a different approach. As this was a large challenge I started small. Each time before going into work or a meeting with the boss I would repeat a mantra. “This person deserves to be treaty with dignity and respect.”
The shift was subtle at first. Initially he seemed to almost be confused.
As I continued to view him through this new “lens” over days and weeks, something, miraculous began to happen. He started to relax more and more around me. Our conversations were less tense and more collaborative. He started to goof around and tell stories.
One day in the break room with 4 or 5 employees milling about I cracked some sort of joke. I don’t even remember what I said. Everyone was laughing and carrying on except for him. The joke was not at all offensive so I was confused. He must have seen the look on my face and he quickly appologized. “Sorry, with my autism I sometimes don’t get jokes.” Some people uncomfortably shuffled out of the room to return to work. I tentatively inquired, “Oh, I didn’t know you’re autistic?” He began to open up in a way I had yet experienced with him and I was later told by his assistant manager of 11 years that he had never once said anything about his condition. He explained how difficult it was for him to manage so many people because he was constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. He couldn’t intuitively read social situations and often felt awkward and embarrassed. He told me about getting written up by his superiors for saying something inappropriate. To that very day he didn’t understand why what he had said was offensive. I could see the frustration and confusion knotted in his face.
As we talked and he opened up about his struggles, I started to think back to some of our tension and arguments. It hit me like the knuckled backhand of epiphany.
This person isn’t a jerk or an asshole. He is a person with goals, dreams and a family to provide for. A person who shows up everyday to offer the best he is able despite challenges given him. It may not always be pretty or fair, but, nevertheless, he is willing and committed. He is a hero, discovering his path. I was able to see his exquisite humanity. A deep compassion and admiration washed over me.
So, that’s what I saw. And, when I hear the question, “Does my coaching add value to the world?” Well, if I can support folks to have breakthroughs anything like I was able to, I’d certainly say so.
Wishing you an abundance of purpose, passion and play.
Bryan
P.s.
If you would like to learn more about coaching with me please visit my website where you can schedule a FREE discovery session.
